Dilemma
by lunartick
Summary: Oneshot. Hiei very seldom has dilemmas, mainly because he thinks too little to have dilemmas. But when he does have dilemmas, he has them to the fullest.


Hey peeps! This is just a short fic to help me get my brain stimulated.

I didn't intend this fic to have any pairings, but if you want to see the pairings that way, well go ahead.

The characters are out-of-character a lot because I found it funnier that way. Sorry to people who prefer characters to be in-character.

Yu Yu Hakusho does not belong to me.

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**Dilemma**

Hiei was in a dilemma. It wasn't often that Hiei found himself in such a situation, mainly because Hiei hardly ever thought enough about such insignificant things as "course of action" to actually ever be in a dilemma. Of course, when your life consists mostly of "kill or be killed", "fight or flight" and sometimes "kiss-ass or have ass-kissed" situations, usually there isn't much to consider in ways of "courses of actions". However, there were always these few occasions that pop up once in a while that require Hiei to actually _think_ before he did anything.

One such situation had been the event of Yukina's birthday and the startling discovery (courtesy of Botan at the instigation of Kurama) that he had to buy a birthday present for her.

Four months before the event, Hiei had started to worry about it. Two months before, he had taken to pacing around distractedly and pulling dramatically at his hair. Two weeks before the event, he was in such a panic he came down with a fever and a strange tendency to faint helplessly at the most inconvenient moments (eg. when he was shaving with his katana).

For the sake of his safety and his steadily disappearing sanity, Hiei took the safest and surest course he could think of that did not tax him too much: paying a quick visit to the infamously intelligent and cunning Kurama.

"Kurama!" Hiei had snapped, bursting through the window (and accidentally cracking the glass).

"Hiei!" Kurama snapped back, mimicking Hiei's tone. "How can I help you?" he continued in a more polite tone.

Deciding to ignore the insolence that was the fox, Hiei flopped down on the windowsill and ran a shaking hand over his forehead (to wipe perspiration out of his jagan). "I need your help," he said, trying and failing to mask the desperation in his voice. "Please."

Kurama raised an eyebrow in amused shock. "This must be bad," he said conversationally, folding his legs. "It couldn't possibly be a life-or-death situation since it is you we are talking about, Hiei, and you never need help in life-or-death situations because you never ask for help in such situations. I assume this has to do with Yukina-san."

Hiei considered prostrating himself before the clever fox-incarnate in worship, but changed his mind when his Dignity reminded him that he was Jaganshi Hiei, not Sissy-pants Kuwabara. "Yes," he said quickly. "What do I get her? You buy presents all the time. I demand an answer this very moment or I'll slice off your head."

"You have a fever," Kurama noted, ignoring the threat. "You are incoherent, your hands are shaking, and your eyes are red and bleary. There is a mild dent on the right side of your face from, I can see by the patterns on it that coincide with the patterns on your bathroom floor tiles, excessive fainting. You've better sit on a less precarious seat. There's a chair there."

Mutedly, Hiei sank into a conveniently-placed chair and glared through said red and bleary eyes at his only hope. "What can I get her?" he asked, trying to keep the whine out of his voice. "It's too difficult for me. First and foremost, she's a girl! What do you get a girl? If it were you, I could bring you Yomi's head for example, but what do I get a girl like Yukina?"

"Well now…"

"Not only that! What can _I_ get her? I'm her brother, but she can't know that, so I can't get her a gift that a brother might give! Yet at the same time, I can't give her a gift that… that some ordinary idiot might give. I mean… she can't think I'm a suitor… she has to think I'm a friend… but I can't just give her a friend-present because she's my sister… but she can't know that! I'm stuck! Stuck!"

"Hiei! I warned you never to draw your katana in my room… and leave my '_Business: How to Sleep with your Enemy_' alone!"

Hiei sheathed his katana, dropped said book and sank back onto the chair again. "Help me," he said wildly. "Help me or I'll burn your whole house down. On that note, that threat does not involve your mother so don't you dare send your mimosa plant to eat me."

Kurama looked at the feverishly bright eyes and nodded thoughtfully. "I see," he said calmly. "Yes, I think I understand the situation you find yourself in. If she were just an ordinary girl, you could get her flowers or chocolates."

"I am _not_ Kuwabara!"

"_But_ since you are _not_ Kuwabara-kun, you might have to resort to something else. Something that's platonic, but could also be something a brother might think of," Kurama went on, choosing to ignore the unsheathed katana this time.

"What? What?" Hiei demanded feverishly.

"Something practical of course," Kurama said, hiding a secret smile. "Practical gifts are not too intimate, yet they suggest a concern for the receiver's needs that could be seen as distinctly brotherly."

Hiei blinked owlishly, sheathed his sword and sat down, his temperature cooling dramatically. "Something _practical_!" he exclaimed, the light of enlightenment practically glowing through his skull. "Of course! That's brilliant! What else could I get her other then something practical!"

"Yes, Hiei. Do you have something in mind?"

"A katana of course! What could be more practical than a katana?"

"Uh… Hiei…?"

"You can kill your enemies with it, use it as a walking stick when traveling, and even use it to scratch your back. It's practically multi-functional."

"Hiei!"

"What?"

"I doubt a sweet, innocent girl like Yukina-san would want a katana."

"Not even… a _pink_ katana?"

"I don't think so, Hiei."

"A pink katana with sakura patterns?"

"Where would you find… never mind, I don't want to know. She wouldn't want to use it at all."

"Oh then… then…"

"Hiei. Sit down. Please don't faint and dirty my carpet." Kurama deftly manipulated the fire-demon back onto his seat. "Think about it, Hiei. Think about Yukina-san."

"When do I not?"

"Think about _her_," Kurama elaborated. "Yukina-san is a koorine. She's a girl. She has long hair. She's not very tall. She has green hair and red eyes. She has the ability to cure and the ability to manipulate ice. She is very kind and caring. What would a girl like her need?"

Hiei frowned and tugged at his hair again. "I… ok. I get what you mean. Koorine. Ice maiden. Cold-hearted bitches them all. Yukina isn't like them. So she doesn't need me to drive a katana through her heart. She's a girl. Uh… skip that. She has long hair. She needs a hair-cut? I can't give her a hair-cut! She'll look like a fox shedding fur before I'm done with her…"

"Very funny, Hiei."

"She's not very tall… hmm… I heard this thing from Yuusuke the other day. Plastic surgery. Perhaps I could get her plastic surgery. Do her knees or something. She has green hair and red eyes. Hair dye and contacts? The ability to cure and manipulate ice… she needs to be taught fighting. I mean seriously, do you know how many perverts there are in Makai?"

"Oh yes, definitely."

"Then you know what I mean. She's very kind and caring… oh!"

Kurama blinked. "Oh?"

"I know what to get her," Hiei said triumphantly, smirking. "It's so obvious. Thanks, Kurama. You're really irritating but at least you're smart. See you around."

Kurama blinked again, and looked at the empty chair. "You're welcome," he said resignedly, and returned to his table.

Two weeks later, a perfectly healthy (if rather sheepish) Hiei presented a grateful Yukina with a box to keep her tear stones in every time she cried.

Within two hours, the box was completely full.

Fortunately for Hiei, this was a once in a life time situation, since from then on, he always knew what to get Yukina for her birthday: a box to keep her tear stones in. It was almost ridiculous how fast those boxes filled up.

The point was that from that point onwards, every time Hiei found himself in a dilemma, the first person he would think of would be Kurama. It had almost become a Pavolian reaction. Every time he heard the word "dilemma", he immediately thought, "Kurama!" (In fact, this syndrome was shared widely among the circle of people who came into contact with Kurama regularly i.e. Yuusuke, Kuwabara, Yomi, Botan, Koenma, such that the syndrome had developed a name: the Kurama Syndrome). Hence, the moment that this particular dilemma occurred to Hiei, he found himself traveling the rather long distance between Ningenkai and Makai in order to visit said fox.

"Kurama!"

"Hiei!"

"Hn."

"This is getting old," Kurama said politely, ushering a grateful Keiko out of the window. "It's a wonder I still manage to pull As in school what with all you people interrupting me again and again. It isn't Yukina-san's birthday, so what could be the problem with _you_? Goodbye Keiko-chan. Please do remember that while Yuusuke can be really insensitive, I am positive that he still truly loves you and they sell really great ah… _videos_ at the mall next to your school."

Hiei sat down on his usual seat and grunted noncommittally as a tearfully grateful Keiko left the room.

"No fevers, no fainting spells, no shaking and no tearing. Definitely has nothing to do with Yukina-san in that case." Kurama sat down and tilted his head to indicate that he was listening.

"Friend's depressed," Hiei said shortly. "Makes me sick to see h… him depressed. I want to cheer him up."

"What's gotten Mukuro-san down?" Kurama questioned with a slight smile, and Hiei struggled to keep his face from flushing.

"Abusive father, fake memories, hormones maybe. I don't know." Hiei shrugged to demonstrated how much he didn't know about hormones. "How would I know? I'm not a girl. And I've never been a girl that dressed up as a guy. There're some things you can only imagine, and I don't imagine, so I don't know."

"Alright," Kurama said, running a finger through his hair. "I've got a plant that is supposed to be good for depression."

"Not that," Hiei said brusquely. "I don't want her drugged up on… drugs. She's already crazy as she is. I mean, check out the hole in my stomach."

"But it's organic."

"I don't care. No drugs."

"Alright then," Kurama said, settling back in his seat. "What do you suggest?"

Hiei bristled and flushed. "Well…" he said slowly. "What I want to know is… what do you… ok, look, I've been using your thinking techniques. You know? Consider Muruko. She's a girl. She's tall. She's got short brown hair. She's only got half a face. She's one of the most kick-ass youkai-lords around. That's all great, but I can't figure out what to do with that."

Kurama nodded slowly. "Let's run through the list. She's tall…"

"Plastic surgery."

"She's got short brown hair."

"Hair extensions?"

"She's only got half a face."

"Uh… plastic surgery?"

"She's one of the most kick-ass, excuse my French which originated from _your_ French, youkai-lords around."

"Ah… hmm… that one got me. A new throne? A new torture chamber? More land to conquer? I don't know."

Kurama smiled. "She's a girl."

Hiei frowned deeply. "I don't know what you get girls," he said coolly. "Flowers? Chocolates?"

Kurama's smile widened. "Flowers are a good idea," he said casually.

"Flowers?" Hiei demanded wryly. "For Muruko? Does she look like the kind of girl that likes flowers? She looks like the kind who maybe likes _killing_ flowers, perhaps."

"Hiei," Kurama said slowly. "Do you remember this very… ah… truthful phrase?"

"Which very truthful phrase?"

"Hell hath no fury like a woman's wrath."

"Oh sure I know… why are you smirking? What has that got to do with flowers? Oh lord, that is one freaking ugly flower. She wouldn't like it. Hell, _I_ don't like it. It clashes with her curtains."

Kurama laughed as he pulled wrapping paper out of a drawer. "She'll like it," he said confidently, adding a few harmless shrubs to the bouquet. "There!" he held the bouquet up. "I call this 'The Bouquet of Revenge'."

"Bouquet of Revenge? Why Bouquet of Revenge? Why are you passing that to me? Don't point that thing at me. Is it going to eat me up? I haven't offended you recently. If you're still pissed about that hole in your stomach, blame Yuusuke for being such a lousy fighter that you had to save him."

"… Hiei. Use this to trap her abusive father. Once he joins with this plant, he'll never die. She can slash him any way she likes and he will never die. Get it?"

"Oh…. Oh! That is good. I get that. Revenge huh? Nice. Never die, huh? You like plants like that don't you? I remember Toguro's trapped in one of these. Same species of plant is it? Or same family? Something like that. I hope her father's more on the brown side then, so the plant wouldn't clash with her curtains."

"… Goodnight Hiei."

"Night."

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"This is a parasitic plant which will join itself with the flesh of its host," Hiei said calmly over the shrieks of the tortured man. "If the host is injured, the plant will instinctively heal the host. I heard it doesn't damage the brain of the host and that it can maintain this state forever." He glanced over at Mukuro. She was smiling. "Happy Birthday."

A comfortable silence fell over the duo (trio if you include the plant).

"Uh… I could slot it in that corner," Hiei said, looking at said corner critically. "It adds a certain… evil lord class to the blank wall, if you ask me."

"That's fine with me."

"Cool. Give me a hand. You want to cut it a bit? Like to celebrate your millionth birthday or something."

"Hiei…" Mukuro said slowly. "I am really grateful to you, so I don't really want to say this… but while it is really great that I can torture my father any way I like now, the truth is…"

"Yeah?"

"The truth is, it isn't my birthday today."

"Oh… oops."

"And Hiei?"

"Yeah?"

"That colour really clashes with my curtains."

"… Hn."

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